Surviving holiday stress with boundaries and coping strategies is essential to navigating the chaos of the season. Between juggling family gatherings, endless to-do lists, and managing expectations, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Licensed therapist Katie Kernus, LPC-S, NCC, shares her expert insights on how to reclaim your holiday joy by setting boundaries, practicing effective coping techniques, and embracing the simple moments that make the season meaningful. Whether you’re managing complex family dynamics or just trying to find balance, these tips will help you stay grounded and enjoy the holidays with less stress.
Deck the halls and not your family, fa-la-la-la-la…
Oh the holiday season. The perfect time for gingerbread houses, tree decorating, lights going up and the gathering of multiple family personalities in small spaces in the hopes that Johnny and Danny don’t go fist fighting over who gets the last piece of pie after one too many old fashions.
Holiday seasons, while delightful and with all the intentions of being joyous, isn’t always the same for everyone. What’s portrayed in the Hallmark movies doesn’t necessarily fit the status quo. So then what is a person supposed to do who doesn’t come from that picture perfect household? How is one supposed to manage being around those that can make them feel uncomfortable, small or insignificant without losing their holiday spirit? Toss in first time parents, or those families that have added to their family and you are quite close to a potential holiday disaster than a Rodgers and Hammerstein winter classic. Before rushing off to that next holiday event, here are a few things to consider before hopping in that car ride to the fun family gathering.
Boundaries: While this seems like the easiest thing to do, this is actually the hardest one that can be dealt with in the holiday season. It is also the fastest thing to cross when a person is upset, and they want to get back at a person. Most relationships that have gone poorly are due to poor boundaries; either a person is too fluid or too rigid and thus causes a disconnect with others. Most people don’t realize that there is more than one type of boundary to deal with. For simplicity sake we will just dive into the two main ones for the holidays: Physical (being present) and emotional.
Physical seems pretty self-explanatory. Most people already know whether or not you’re a hugger or if you’re all in for Aunt Jane’s wet cheek kiss. But when it comes to being new parents, or parents that have more than one kid, that boundary starts to look a bit different. New parents are now in the overwhelming thought process of whether or not to drive to each person’s house for all the different parties, bake offs, and holiday exchanges. Some parents can start to compare themselves to others on social media as they seem to go from one even to another with out breaking a sweat. While you may just struggle with the notion of getting your decorations up in time for the holiday.
First things first: Social media has a wonderful way of portraying things that we want others to see without all of the reality in the background. Family photographers acknowledge this, where that picture perfect family photo was actually the work of multiple break downs, arguments and temper tantrums for 30 minutes to capture those few perfect photos. When we start down the rabbit hole of social media strolling, we start the wheel of self-doubt and self-consciousness that makes us wonder why we don’t look as put together or energetic as those in the picture. This false narrative we set for ourselves then puts into place the unrealistically high bar that continues to be unattainable each passing day. Take a step back and recognize that each person is in a different place and that what works for one person doesn’t work for others. For some people, they need social interaction to help feel put together, while others do better staying at home. Both options are absolutely okay. You need to ask yourself if what you are doing is because you feel the social pressure to do it because everyone else is, or because it is something that you want to do.
With this holiday season being extremely short due to Thanksgiving being at the last possible moment for November, you have to set realistic goals and expectations for yourself. If by attempting to go and do everything this holiday seasons only ends with your frustration, anger and tears, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. It’s okay to tell your kids that you can’t go do something due to time restraints. Kids have to learn that while there is a lot to do, not all of it can be done and it is okay. This also helps kids with dealing with not having instant gratification and being happy with what they are able to do and not with doing it all. As parents, we do feel that pressure to do it all so that the holiday season is magical. The problem with that is, as we have continued to grow in society, we feel that going to events and seeing things is part of the magic. Again, some people can do that, but the financial strain of the season can burdensome and again make the holidays seem less jolly. What’s so wrong with sitting at home, watching a Christmas movie in pajamas doing a puzzle, baking cookies or just eating popcorn instead of going to another social event?
Fun fact: little kids, for most the most part, are just as content looking at Christmas lights as they are spending quality time with their parents without electronics. Children crave the attention of their parents and to sit and just hang out with them, can be the best night ever in their eyes. Never doubt the small things has having the biggest impact. Even those without kids need to recognize that not having something planned every night of the holiday season is okay. Taking a night or so to yourself is called self-care, or recognizing that you will survive if you sit at home reading a book instead of bar hopping with everyone and not having the side effects the next day.
Second thing: everyone is different, just like babies. There is a thing as overstimulization for kids and adults and it can happen if you are constantly on the go and you aren’t able to rest in between. Pick up on the cues that your body, and maybe your kids are giving you. Identify that you may need to cancel on going to something because your body is one hot toddy away from being stuck in bed for a week or that your kids meltdowns will end with someone’s decorations ending up on the floor. Yeah it can stink, but if you tell people up front that it’s a maybe to attend depending on how the kids are, they will understand. If they don’t, then maybe forfeiting the event isn’t so bad after all. If you feel guilted into going, that should probably be a flag that a boundary is getting crossed with goes into the next one – emotional.
As you start setting boundaries and navigating the chaos of holiday gatherings, there’s another layer to the season that’s often hard to ignore: the emotional weight. From guilt about not doing enough to awkward conversations you’d rather avoid, the holidays can sometimes feel more like a minefield than a merry time. In the next post, we’ll tackle these emotional hurdles and offer tips on how to safeguard your mental well-being while keeping the peace—no fruitcake wars required!
Katie Kernus is a LPC-S, NCC with a private practice located in Virginia. She currently provides therapy services virtually and some in-home services based on location. She has a history of working with children to adults, dealing with issues such as depression, anxiety, addiction, life/career changes/ transitions, school issues, veterans, military/ professional services trauma, grief and illnesses.
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